All families have problems and disagreements. It is part of the routine of living. Unfortunately, conflict may happen even more often when your child becomes a teenager. Directions, rules or punishments that worked with an 8 year-old no longer seem to work.

Good communication can help you work through conflict. It reduces your stress and helps you stay close to your teen. Studies also show that good communication is important for children. It helps build a sense of support and security. It also teaches valuable skills, like communicating well with others and having healthy relationships.¹

Good Communication is Two-Way Communication

Good communication skills work two ways - giving clear messages and listening actively.

Giving clear messages can help you get results on issues like household chores and rudeness. If your messages are clear, your teen is more likely to listen.

Listening actively shows that you are supportive when the teen has a problem. Research shows that how you listen actually has more impact on your child than what you say.

When you have a problem with your teen, follow these three steps:

1. Step One: Know Who Owns the Problem

When it is your problem, the child's behavior is having a negative effect on you. Maybe it is increasing your household work, wasting money or offending your values. Making sure that dirty clothes are picked up is really a problem for parents. It is the rare teen that cares about the mess on the floor, dirty clothes or sneakers left under the couch. When your teen uses offensive language or is rude to you, it's a problem for you.

When it is your teen's problem, something has happened that has upset him/her. It may be something you are doing or something outside of your control. Active listening will make it easier for your child to tell you how he/she sees the problem. By being supportive, you will be in a better position to help. Try to guide your teen and influence his/her decision-making.

2. Step Two: When it is Your Problem, Give Clear Messages

Let your teen know if a behavior is unacceptable. Explain that there are consequences to unacceptable behavior. This is another opportunity to teach your child and to influence his/her decision-making. Being specific about the impact of a behavior teaches important life lessons. Focusing on the behavior keeps the focus on how you feel and what you want to happen. It avoids blaming and "finger pointing" that can escalate into anger and arguments.

Giving clear messages for problem behavior has four parts:

Be specific about the unacceptable behaviors (i.e. "leaving dirty clothes on the floor.") Be clear about what behaviors are okay and which ones are not okay. This avoids blaming.
Be specific about the emotional impact of the behavior on you (i.e. "I feel frustrated by…") It is okay to let your teen know that his/her behavior affects you. In spite of how he/she sometimes misbehaves, your teen wants to please you. All teens want approval.
Be specific about the consequences of the behavior (i.e. "…because it makes more work for me to pick them up.") Knowing how his/her behavior impacts people helps your teen learn to get along with others.
Be specific about what you need (i.e. "Put all dirty clothes in the hamper when you take them off.") Be clear about what needs to be done. Also be clear that there will be consequences, if he/she fails to follow through in the future.

Bottom Line: When it is a parent's problem, don't expect the teen to own it.

3. Step Three: When it is the Teen's Problem, Listen Actively

Listen and let your teen know that you care what he/she feels. Listening actively will help build your relationship. Teens especially need to know that parents can listen without being judgmental. Also, by modeling good listening skills, it is more likely that your teen will use good listening skills with you.

Listening actively has five parts:

Give your full attention.Put down what you are doing, if you can. Sit or stand facing him/her. Keep eye contact.
Try not to interrupt.Hold back on judgment, advice, or solutions until he/she is finished. Listen patiently, even if you don't agree with what's being said. Try to stay in a listening mode, even when the teen expresses a misunderstanding or unacceptable solutions. You can only guide him/her or clear things up, if you know what your child is thinking.
Pay attention to body language and tone of voice. Often these say more than words.
Ask open-ended questions (ones that can't be answered with a yes or no). This will keep the conversation going.

For example, your child comes home from school obviously upset and his shirt is torn. By listening well, you learn that he has been in a scuffle with another student. He also tells you that he plans to "get back" at his attacker tomorrow by "punching his lights out." Now you know what happened and what he plans to do. Now you can help him solve the problem better.

Bottom Line: When it is a problem for your teen, listen and try to influence his/her decisions.

Other Communication Tips

Teens are emotional.
When you see anger on a teens face, it's just the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface are feelings like frustration, stress and fear. Active listening helps teens to talk about their feelings - even ones they are not aware of.

Tell them about positive behavior, too.
Children need to hear when they are doing well too. This boosts their self-confidence.

Don't let anger get the best of you - be the adult in the situation.
Anger almost always escalates. Some teens look for ways to bring out their parent's anger, because it can shut down conversations. Try to stay calm and in control.

Pick your battle times.
Sometimes the situation is too emotionally charged to continue. It is okay to stop the discussion. Say you will continue it later on, when you have both cooled off. If possible, do it before the end of the day. If your teen comes in drunk or high, wait until the next morning when they are sober.

More Resources:

Can We Talk? Rhode Island - A group helping parents talk with pre-teens about difficult issues. Offered throughout the State. Visit the national Can We Talk? website.

Smith, Carl. 1992. "How can parents model good listening skills?"

US Department of Health and Human Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services administration.
A Family Guide to Keeping Youth Mentally Healthy & Drug Free. "Talk With Your Child"

"15+ Make Time to Listen…Take Time to Talk"

1 American Academy of Pediatrics. 2000. "Building healthy family communication."
2 National Parent Teacher Association. "Strengthening family communication.